Big Orange Backpack

This decision, to stay or go, has pretty much consumed my life, all my thoughts for days, I haven’t slept. I am totally and completely at a loss for what to do. I’m concerned that it might not have altogether everything to do with the Hezbollah situation. I started taking a pro con list last night, due to some inspiration from Candice, but it’s so much more than that, so much more grey than black and white. After this month I will be five credits behind on graduation, and if I stay I will be back on track to graduate on time. However, I could remedy that in a month at CCNY this summer, or come back and do another ulpan. I would really like my Hebrew to get better, and if I leave… well I could just take Hebrew at Rutgers. And if I took it for two semesters at Rutgers, I would only be three credits behind, and could just take an extra class one semester or a winter or summer class. The credits issue isn’t a huge one. I would also love to go to Istanbul, but I’m just kind of sick of travelling, especially to Islamic countries, I don’t think I ever want to do it again without a man, and since Jake wouldn’t come… I don’t know who else I would want to spend five days with. If I came back early, I wouldn’t be in debt for the summer, I wouldn’t owe Aunt Karen any money, and I could be in the black for next semester and get a new iPod and go where I want during breaks (Montreal, Malibu, Rochester). Also, especially with this new situation, I feel totally trapped up here on Mt. Scopus. I’m bored. After the Israel Museum and Mt. of Olives, Jerusalem is pretty much tapped out. And now, with the north cut off, Israel is getting smaller by the day (now Tel Aviv is off-limits). And at least now I have Jake and Julie, but next month there will be far fewer people, and the majority of them will be French. I will be even more bored then I was this month, struggling to improve my language skills in Hebrew AND French. And I didn’t really get a chance to see anyone before I left, and it would be nice to spend time just sitting around and hanging out with the Campos, and it would be amazing to see Sonnet. And help Lori move, and maybe spend a weekend out in West Hampton. And I could see Gregory, and he could meet Sal. I think I’d like him to. And with this attempted suicide bombing, I’m nervous. Okay, I glossed over Gregory a bit. I miss him. We could take a weekend trip somewhere. We can be a couple without anything hanging over our heads, school, work… And just be. We’ve never had that before, not for more than a weekend. This is not a cop-out. I’m in the middle of a country that is at war on two fronts. I’ve been gone for two months. I’ve spent over a year of my life abroad, and this isn’t who I am anymore. I haven’t had a break since May 10th, almost four months. I was busting my ass at the end of the semester, then finals, immediately started work non-stop for a week, then I was running around getting ready to leave, trying to see everyone beforehand. This has been a great trip, and I’ve been so lucky to have seen and done all that I have. But I’m ready.

This all sounds like I’m trying to let myself go home.

This is an amazing opportunity that I’m throwing away though. But I’ve been here two months. I’m just tired, it would be fun, yeah, if I hadn’t already been here a month before I started this travelling. But I’m growing really tired of reading of rockets in my backyard, of feeling scared in a crowded place, of pita and falafel, of feeling lonely (and that would only get worse). And if I get off a plane right after finishing these intense classes and start Fall semester immediately, I will be burned out before we even start.

I just tried to turn the table on myself. And it still sounds like I want to go home.

One of my things, though, was I would go back, be sitting around bored, and then things would ameliorate, and I would regret leaving. But I just read in the Times a major Israeli general said this would last weeks. I doubt I’ll have much of an opportunity to go up north, even if I stay. And this will not be the last time I come home to Israel.